Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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