I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize