i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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