dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
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