Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
