a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
