I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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