Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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