i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I need to calm my uterus...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
