I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You're like the curious george of whores
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
