what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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