No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
