DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
