apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
