I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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