In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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