my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need a beard to bite.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
