Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize