She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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