I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize