as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
