I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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