i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
