If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
