you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
