Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
