just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
