I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
