saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
