my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I need water and some morals
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