Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
