I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
