I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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