Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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