I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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