have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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