There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
