Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
