oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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