Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
