If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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