Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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