I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
