she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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