My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
