what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
