i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
