You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize