70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i've created a new STD.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
