I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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