And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
