Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my shit smells like andre
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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