I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
