My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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