who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
