Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
